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In Memory Of Baby Hooks #5
Born Into Heaven, January 26, 2002
The miscarriage two years ago was by far one of the most difficult times
I've ever been through. It literally took me two years to work through the
whole grieving process and the loss. No matter what anyone says, a
miscarriage is the death of a baby ~our baby~ and the steps of grief are
The ironic thing is that as of December 2001, I had worked through all
of those steps and had dealt with not having another child. But, then right
after Christmas in January of this year, I found out I was pregnant again.
There was excitement as well as apprehension. And somehow, I think I just
felt that maybe God was going to give us a child to "replace" one of the
ones we had lost. A crazy thought I know but you don't always think
rationally during these times.
At the time, I was about a week into a six week maternity leave for a
kindergarten teacher. I took it really easy but a week or so later, the
spotting began. Pretty soon, it stopped so I again thought everything was
o.k. However, once again, this pregnancy was not to be. I began spotting
again and lost this baby on January 26th, on Jonathan's (our son) third
birthday. When we went back to the doctor, I was still hoping for a
miracle, even though in the back of my mind I knew this one was gone too.
This time, after doing a sonogram, the doctor said he could find the sack
but the baby had just not grown and developed. He saw nothing that looked
like a nine week old baby should have looked.
So, here we were....disappointed, angry, frustrated and left with so
many questions. A piece of ourselves was gone, and a part of us forever
changed ~ again. I still had four weeks to go in my sub so I jumped into
that and kept myself really busy (thinking that would help) without ever
really giving myself a chance to deal with everything. I just tried to put
it out of my mind. But, eventually, when the sub was over and everything
slowed down, it all came to the surface and I knew that if I didn't get some
time to myself and soon, I was going to fall apart. Fortunately, I have a
husband who could see that so when I told him I needed some time, he said
I spent the weekend with a very close friend of mine and his family. He
is a minister and has a lot of counseling experience. But, the main
blessing is our 20 year friendship and that he knows me so well. We spent
hours talking and he just let me cry and be however I needed to be which is
very important during a time like this. When I left there, I still had
decisions to make but felt better able to handle 'life.'
When I got home, Mike and I spent a lot of time talking about what to do
~ whether to try again. By this time, I was 38 and he was 40....not getting
any younger. After a lot of discussion and thought, I finally decided that
emotionally I couldn't handle going through a miscarriage again. So, this
summer Mike and I decided to give up on that part of our life and move on.
It was a tough decision that didn't come easily but with much regret and
I'll never understand why we had to go through all of this while some
can have children with such ease. The whole desire and pursuit of children
has consumed a lot of our married life and in some ways there is a relief
and a peace that comes with letting go of that part of our lives and moving
on. But, there is a bittersweet feeling that comes with it ~ knowing that I
will never have the third child I always wanted.
After this last miscarriage, someone said, "well, at least you didn't
know you were pregnant for very long." While I know that people sometimes
say things without thinking, I've thought about that a lot. For a woman,
from the time you find out you're pregnant, even if it's only a week, it is
your child and you begin the bonding process. You begin dreaming about that
child, what they will look like, what they will be like and so on. So, it
doesn't really matter whether I knew for a week or two months, it was my
baby and the experience of loss was there.
My hope for this website and telling my story is two-fold. If you have
experienced miscarriage yourself, that you will find comfort and hope here.
If you have not had this experience but know people who have, my prayer is
that you will look at them in a different light and somehow catch a
'glimpse' of what they are going through. It is a very painful, (and
lonely, at times) thing to go through.
So, here we are....almost a year later and we are doing well. I'm at a
very happy place in my life and our family is doing great. I began teaching
music full-time again this fall and I'm involved in the community theater
here. I'm enjoying our family and our life. There will always be those
feelings of loss and those twinges of desire when I hold a baby, but God has
been faithful and blessed us with a great marriage, two beautiful children,
and wonderful, special friends.
Please come back to our pages . Thank you for coming.Please sign the guestbook on the first baby memorial page or the main page.