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In Memory Of Baby Hooks #5

Born Into Heaven, January 26, 2002

The miscarriage two years ago was by far one of the most difficult times I've ever been through. It literally took me two years to work through the whole grieving process and the loss. No matter what anyone says, a miscarriage is the death of a baby ~our baby~ and the steps of grief are still there.

The ironic thing is that as of December 2001, I had worked through all of those steps and had dealt with not having another child. But, then right after Christmas in January of this year, I found out I was pregnant again. There was excitement as well as apprehension. And somehow, I think I just felt that maybe God was going to give us a child to "replace" one of the ones we had lost. A crazy thought I know but you don't always think rationally during these times.

At the time, I was about a week into a six week maternity leave for a kindergarten teacher. I took it really easy but a week or so later, the spotting began. Pretty soon, it stopped so I again thought everything was o.k. However, once again, this pregnancy was not to be. I began spotting again and lost this baby on January 26th, on Jonathan's (our son) third birthday. When we went back to the doctor, I was still hoping for a miracle, even though in the back of my mind I knew this one was gone too. This time, after doing a sonogram, the doctor said he could find the sack but the baby had just not grown and developed. He saw nothing that looked like a nine week old baby should have looked.

So, here we were....disappointed, angry, frustrated and left with so many questions. A piece of ourselves was gone, and a part of us forever changed ~ again. I still had four weeks to go in my sub so I jumped into that and kept myself really busy (thinking that would help) without ever really giving myself a chance to deal with everything. I just tried to put it out of my mind. But, eventually, when the sub was over and everything slowed down, it all came to the surface and I knew that if I didn't get some time to myself and soon, I was going to fall apart. Fortunately, I have a husband who could see that so when I told him I needed some time, he said go.

I spent the weekend with a very close friend of mine and his family. He is a minister and has a lot of counseling experience. But, the main blessing is our 20 year friendship and that he knows me so well. We spent hours talking and he just let me cry and be however I needed to be which is very important during a time like this. When I left there, I still had decisions to make but felt better able to handle 'life.'

When I got home, Mike and I spent a lot of time talking about what to do ~ whether to try again. By this time, I was 38 and he was 40....not getting any younger. After a lot of discussion and thought, I finally decided that emotionally I couldn't handle going through a miscarriage again. So, this summer Mike and I decided to give up on that part of our life and move on. It was a tough decision that didn't come easily but with much regret and sorrow.

I'll never understand why we had to go through all of this while some can have children with such ease. The whole desire and pursuit of children has consumed a lot of our married life and in some ways there is a relief and a peace that comes with letting go of that part of our lives and moving on. But, there is a bittersweet feeling that comes with it ~ knowing that I will never have the third child I always wanted.

After this last miscarriage, someone said, "well, at least you didn't know you were pregnant for very long." While I know that people sometimes say things without thinking, I've thought about that a lot. For a woman, from the time you find out you're pregnant, even if it's only a week, it is your child and you begin the bonding process. You begin dreaming about that child, what they will look like, what they will be like and so on. So, it doesn't really matter whether I knew for a week or two months, it was my baby and the experience of loss was there.

My hope for this website and telling my story is two-fold. If you have experienced miscarriage yourself, that you will find comfort and hope here. If you have not had this experience but know people who have, my prayer is that you will look at them in a different light and somehow catch a 'glimpse' of what they are going through. It is a very painful, (and lonely, at times) thing to go through.

So, here we are....almost a year later and we are doing well. I'm at a very happy place in my life and our family is doing great. I began teaching music full-time again this fall and I'm involved in the community theater here. I'm enjoying our family and our life. There will always be those feelings of loss and those twinges of desire when I hold a baby, but God has been faithful and blessed us with a great marriage, two beautiful children, and wonderful, special friends.

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