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In Memory Of Baby Hooks #4
Born Into Heaven, December 28, 1999
Although, we were ecstatic over our two children, we decided that we wanted one more and we didn't want to wait too much longer because we weren't getting any younger. We decided to wait about six months and then begin trying again. The first several months went by and nothing happened. Then, in October, I found out I was pregnant again. I was excited and just knew that because I had just had a successful pregnancy that this one would be the same.
I wanted to go to the doctor that had delivered Jonathan and it was a couple of weeks before I could see him. When we went in, I was about nine weeks along. Everything seemed fine but neither the doctor or the nurse could find the heartbeat. They didn't seem concerned because my cycle is irregular and they weren't 100% sure of the correct due date.
They told me that I would hear it the next visit, in a month. I was worried. I don't know if that was God’s way of preparing me for what was to come, but all month I thought about it and was afraid something was wrong. I expressed my concerns to Mike and he told me not to worry, that everything would be fine.
We went for the next doctor’s visit on Monday, December 27th. I was twelve weeks along by then and when they still couldn't find the heartbeat, I knew my intuitions were right. There was something wrong. When the nurse took me in to do a sonogram we could see the baby but no heart beating. Although the sonographer was trying not to let anything show, we knew that there was not a heartbeat. Our baby was dead. I can't even begin to explain the feelings of helplessness and pain that came over us. The doctor came back in and confirmed what we already knew and took Haley out of the room to give us a few moments alone. It was almost like a dream, like it wasn't real, and it wasn't happening to us again.
The doctor wanted me to come back for another hormone check the next day to verify that the pregnancy was over and then schedule a D&C. That night, I had some bleeding but by the next morning, it had stopped. Because of scheduling at the hospital, they went ahead and set the time for the D & C for Wednesday evening at 5:00. I went for the blood test on Tuesday morning and by late that afternoon, I was bleeding heavily. That continued for about 3 to 4 hours. At around 9:00, I went to the bathroom and shortly after that, I miscarried the baby. It was so sad because it looked just like a baby, only so small. I could even see the eyes, ears, nose holes, fingers, and toes. I held it in my hands and cried and cried. Shortly after that, I went into the bathroom again and began to feel faint so I yelled for Mike to come and by the time he got there, I had passed out. I woke up and passed out a couple more times before he finally laid me down on the floor. He called the doctor and took me to the emergency room. At the emergency room, I must have looked awful because they rushed me in ahead of everyone else. They were supposed to give me an IV but they were busy and one nurse thought the other had already done it so by the time I got one, my pulse had slowed, and I had passed out again. I continued to bleed and at about 4:00 in the morning, the doctor finally got there. He said that to stop the bleeding, he would need to do the D&C. So, at around 5:30, December 29th, they did the surgery and I was home by 8:00. Everything was over. At least that's what I thought.
I didn't realize that the hardest road was yet to come. This miscarriage has been the most difficult of all. I have struggled with being depressed more this time than any of the others. There were days that if it hadn't been for my kids, I would have stayed in bed and not gone anywhere. I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. It's difficult because most people don't even talk about it. I'm sure they don't know what to say so they don't say anything at all but it makes it even harder because I really felt like I was all alone. And once again, I got the usual comments; "it's nature's way,” "it wasn't meant to be,” etc.
Four months later, I thought I had come to the place where I could handle it, but I was wrong. I had to go to a baby shower for a friend who is due around the same time as I was supposed to be. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever been through. I held it together pretty well until I was getting ready to leave and her mother hugged me and asked me how I was doing. I just fell apart. I made a quick exit and cried all the way home. It really caught me off guard because I thought I was doing so well. It just hurt so much more than I imagined it would.
Now we're in the process of deciding, once again, whether we want to try any more. We are now 36 and 38 years old. I would like to try again but part of me is scared about the possibility of having to go through that whole thing again. Mike said he is fine with whatever I decide so I have been praying that God will give me a clear answer as he did before. One of the hardest parts about the whole process is that no one talks about it. To them, it’s like it never happened but in some ways, it is still very fresh to me. I wouldn’t want people talking about it constantly, but I guess it seems as if everyone has forgotten our little ones and we haven't. I hope that by sharing our story, someone will be comforted in knowing that they are not in this alone and even though it's a long road, it is possible to walk through it with God’s help.
This page was written on May 8, 2000. We will never understand why we have had such problems having babies. When we get to heaven, we will know. We know there are many people that have lost all their children and we are so thankful to have two healthy ones.
Please continue on to memorial page five.