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Great Things about Being Older (Cough, Cough)
1. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
2. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
3. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
4. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
5. If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
6. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
7. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
8. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
9. Your eyes won't get much worse.
10. Things you buy now won't wear out.
11. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
12. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
13. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
15. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
16. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
17. Your back goes out more than you do.
18. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks
into the room.
19. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
20. You sing along with the elevator music.
21. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
22. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
23. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
24. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
25. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
26. You send money to PBS.
27. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
28. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch
29. Your ears are hairier than your head.
30. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
31. You got cable for the weather channel. ("Old Folks MTV")
32. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
33. People send you this list.
Application to Date My Daughter
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a certified financial statement, job history, and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information, such as psychological profile and polygraph test, as requested.
Name__________ Date of Birth____________ Social Security#_________
Driver's License#___________ IQ_______GPA______
Do you have one male and one female parent? Yes__ No__
If not, explain:_________________________________________
Do you own a Van?_______ A Truck with oversize tires?______ A Waterbed?_____
Do you have a earring, nose ring, or belly button ring?_____ A tattoo?_____
If you answered Yes to any of the last three questions, discontinue application and leave at once!)
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does,"Don't touch my daughter", mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does,"Abstinence", mean to you?
What is your church affiliation?____________ How often do you attend?________
Best time to interview your parents?___________ Your Pastor?____________
Your employer?______________ Have you ever been fingerprinted?_____________
Had a DNA sample taken & recorded?_____________
Answer the following questions under oath: The one thing I hope this application does not ask about me is:
A woman's place is in the:__________________________
My greatest fear is:_______________________________________
When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is:____________________
*Note: If you answer begins with a T or A, discontinue and leave at once, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion for your own safety.
CERTIFICATION OF ACCURACY BY APPLICANT: I swear all information above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of death, dismemberment, Chinese water torture, and red hot pokers.
(if you have to question what this means, you MORON, tear up this application and leave immediately!)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties, and carrying violin cases.(You might want to watch your back!)
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